Searching for a Creative Outlet: Blogging?

Blacktina is coming back to blogging.

I'm trying to find a creative outlet for the many frustrations I feel day to day. Here's a short list of the things I am constantly thinking about and have opinions on:

• Being blacktina in a city like Portland
• Being passionate about education and feeling like I am such a small voice and I can't make change
• Love. Love is pain. 
• How challenging it can be to date white men
• What it's like to date in the digital age, and dating while brown
• Microaggressions and their impact on society
• My future as an educator -- do I really desire to be an upper admin? Is that where the change happens? 
• I want a fulfilling career but I also want a family, why does it feel like I have to choose one?
• Multiracial identity problems 
• Women and the double standards surrounding desiring sex
• Being a cat lady
• How crippling student loan debt is holding Americans prisoner

...aahhhh the list just goes on! So, I'm going to explore some of these topics in the coming weeks. I can't promise that the words will make very much sense, and I can't promise they'll be credible in an academic sense. Sometimes you just need to pour your heart out, and it might not seem rational but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel real. Let's see how this goes. 

I'm going to update my profile to reflect the new part of my life that I'm in. Quarter life crisis blogging: COMMENCE! 

Candace

THE Ring Finger

Today while walking through Warren Hall I came across the famous Balfour ladies who sell your JMU class ring after the Ring Premiere. They usually sit in Warren for two weeks after the big premiere. When I was a sophomore back in 2008 I was on the ring premiere committee so I have treasured my experience and my ring. 

This was a great opportunity to ask about my lifetime guarantee on my ring and how I really need to get it re-sized  We chat for a minute and then she asks me to give her my finger so she could measure the size. I hand over my hand and she looks at me surprised. 

Our conversation goes like this

Balfour Lady #1: "you want your ring to go on your LEFT hand?" 

Me: "yeah, why does that matter?"

Balfour Lady #1: "well, your left hand is meant for your wedding ring..."

Me: "[being laughing a little too loudly] Oh gosh, I don't care about that, like at all."

Balfour Lady #1: "but you should! What about when you get married!"

Me: "Uh yah, that's never happening."

Balfour Lady #2: "you never know!"

Me: "[under my breath] uhh, yah I do."

Then we all proceed to awkwardly giggle and try not to make eye contact. Oh no, here comes the horribly anti-traditional blacktina, just ruining little old ladies' days! That's what I do best, y'all. To make it more interesting, two of my sisters happened to be sitting behind the Balfour table and were overhearing my horribly awkward conversation. 

So here's where I am after this conversation:

1. The left hand is your wedding ring finger hand? I honestly had no clue. 

2. Before you "get married," are you supposed to just completely neglect your left ring finger from any rings? Why does it matter if the finger is preoccupied if I'm not committed? 

3. .........who cares though? Apparently many people. 

I've kind of made this obvious in the past, but in case you didn't know, I am not exactly a traditional girl. I don't believe a man I'm dating needs to buy my food every single time we get dinner. I don't believe in time frames of when you should be married. I don't believe in "traditional marriage" by any means, like only men and women can marry for example - yeah, not for me. I do have a lot of friends who are more traditional about certain things like the men pay for dinner and the men ask for a lady's hand in marriage, and only men and women can marry idealism, etc. but everyone's entitled to their opinions just like I am entitled to mine. I guess I was just really surprised at how surprised those ladies were. 

This brings me to the real reason this incident has me thinking: why is it that I'm so against marriage? It's possible that growing up watching failed marriages over and over again has completely tainted my image of what it looks like. Plus I think that I have trouble finding ways to support my feminist ideologies and think about being married. I know that "feminists can get married" but I feel like it's much more than being a feminist not wanting to settle down. It's more like I want my independence and I want the freedom to make my own choices. I want to raise adopted children on my own. I realize I am 24 years old and the world is my oyster, but I am just completely turned off by the thought of marriage. Not to mention, I don't feel comfortable getting married in our current time where not everyone is afforded that same luxury, so for the sake of being a gay rights advocate I don't feel right using my privilege. I'm just in a phase of my life right now where all of those things really do mean so much to me, and I recognize that part of this is just being young and in grad school and "hip" if you will, but I don't think it's a phase that will necessarily go away. I'm pretty committed to this idea and this movement and the inspiration of women around me to make my choices. Marriage just sounds like a horrible idea but maybe I'll find someone who will help me think differently. 

I know that negative self talk is absolutely a deterrent to future actions, but I also feel like I am doing it on purpose to guarantee that I never get married. The self talk that has convinced me to believe that marriage is not for me is like confirming that it won't ever happen for me, so it's like I don't have to worry about it! I know I am just a walking defense mechanism, but ain't nobody got time for all that money on therapy! Anyway, I don't want to really convince myself that I am not good enough to be married or that if I become married I'll become soft and lose all my values, but hey, I'm 24, that's my excuse for now. 

So the update is no, I'm not in the market, I'm unavailable, I'm off the shelf, I am focusing on bigger and better things right now. One day that might change, and little old ladies won't be so terrified by my feminism, but for now, take a big wiff of it, it's not going anywhere. 

Peace ☮,

Candace

Appearance is Everything: Shaved Bear's Story

Recently, while avoiding my portfolio among many other things, I came across this image of a supposedly "shaved bear"

My first thought: I'M TERRIFIED 

Other initial thoughts:

1. If I saw this thing, I would poop my pants or die or both.
2. It's so hideous 
3. Look at it's wrinkly black skin, ew.
4. It's not cuddly, I like cuddly bears
5. Why would anyone get near this thing to take it's picture
6. Who shaved this bear and are they still alive?! 
7. That bear is different, and I don't like it. 

Harsh, right? My initial reaction was so judgmental about a creature that I had zero information about, and it automatically made me reject it. I even posted it on my Twitter and Facebook to mock it and share that fear with others, which was reciprocated by most people that interacted with my posts. 

Then, I got an article sent to me by my friend on the post, describing the situation behind the bear. First thing I noticed was I kept calling the bear a "he" and it is actually a girl. She also has a name, Dolores. Also, I found out she isn't the only one, and that many other female bears like her are suffering from some condition that has the veterinarians baffled. 

Wow, could I have been more wrong about this bear? 

I felt really humbled when I read the article, but not just because I was wrong about the factual things behind this picture. It made me think first about my love for animals. I have claimed several times that I love all creatures, and it's a big part of my identity. Obviously I am not perfect and some bugs do freak me out but I try my best to really stick to what I say I believe. I have this philosophy that bugs that are outdoors should not be killed unless they are attacking you (mosquitoes for example), because technically that's their home. Same goes for animals running around in the wild - that's their home! How would you feel if people just walked into your home and killed you? Pretty sure that's called homicide. Now, when animals invade your home like bugs for example, that's where you can step in and say "Hey, no one invited you here" and then I usually escort them out if possible, but sometimes sadly I do have to get rid of them. It actually makes me really upset to kill a bug, I just feel like a monster, especially if they aren't doing anything to me. Obviously if you're in your house and a jaguar busts through the door like the kool-aid man, survival kicks in. Is it likely? No, but you get my point. 

Back to the bear: I thought long and hard today about the way I felt about that bear when I first saw it. I felt so scared yet I didn't even know it. I didn't know that bear's story. And yes, that bear's story is important to me because all creatures have a story. Am I starting to sound like Pocahontas? Yes, but I'm okay with that. It just makes me sad that I would be so negative to something I just didn't even understand. Here's where I'm with this: why do we as humans do this to each other? Why do we see someone of a different color or someone who looks differently than what we are used to and we completely shut off and become afraid or reject them? Please don't try to pretend that you have not done this - we ALL do. I do it all the time! Yes, I've been in a dark alley and seen a tall man in the distance and immediately become afraid, even though I don't know him. Yes, I've driven through a neighborhood with people that were different than I was used to and I locked my doors. We've all been there. I'm thinking about this as I reflect on my reaction to the shaved bear picture. I couldn't help to feel afraid, it was my brain's natural reaction, but once I learned about the bear and could understand her more, I was able to get around the difference and respect that bear. Do you see where I'm going with this? 

My point: interacting with different people is so difficult. I struggle with it everyday. I am absolutely not perfect at it, and I have to work so hard to see past appearance. The problem is that we need to be more consciously aware of the fact that yes, our brains do work in this way, but we have the power to overcome our natural reactions to make connections and look for a story to understand someone. Not only do we have the power to do this, but it's our job as human beings frankly. We have to teach our children to do this. We have to teach our parents. We have to teach ourselves. We need to hold each other accountable in this society that we really care about understanding each other. Make a habit when you meet someone new or interact with someone different that you FIRST ask yourself "what's their story?" 

I know all of this sounds so typical optimistic Candace, but I want to be clear about something. That bear, Dolores, no matter how heartfelt her story is, COULD destroy me. Unlike Pocahontas in her fictional movie, I do not go up to random animals that look like they could eat me and try to understand them. I realize that the reality is that not everyone is good. I realize that it's okay to be afraid of someone you come across in a dark alley who has a gun pointed at you asking for your wallet, and that it's probably not the best time to ask them "hey bro, what's your story?" I get it. Fight or flight very much comes into play. The point I'm getting to is that you have to use common sense of course because we can't be completely naive  but try to think a little harder about connecting with people on a more personal level, when appropriate. 

If there's so much more to Dolores, imagine how much more there is about fellow human beings? Get to know them, don't be afraid to ask, and make genuine connections. Different is okay, don't run from it. Train your brain. 

Peace ☮,

Candace