Momma Lumbergh

I often find myself making connections between my mother and Bill Lumbergh from Office Space.

Do you have a friend (acquaintance is more accurate) that when you see them you immediately turn the other way and try everything possible to avoid them? I had a few of those people in college and high school, but I've recently noticed that most of my "Lumbergh Alert" instincts come when I'm around my mom. She has this habit now of calling me or texting me when we are both in the house, and 9 out of 10 times it's because she wants something from me.

"Take Junior to the football game"

"Bring the dogs inside"

"Can you go buy me some tacos from Taco Bell?"

"Come up here and read my [enter random document from work]. Does it look good?"

"Go pick up Erick from school"

"Go fold the clothes"

"Take out the trash"

I feel like Peter Gibbons, trying to rush and turn off my computer before Lumbergh does his usual Friday afternoon stroll to convince force me to come into work on the weekend, but lo and behold, my computer didn't shut off in time and now I'm stuck doing meaningless work for barely any pay. Not only that, but like Lumbergh she tries to pull the whole "Can you d

o x, y & z?" even though she knows that whether I want to do x, y, or z it wouldn't matter because I have no choice.

Here are some strategies I've learned over the past few months:

1. Keep my phone on silent in the house so that she can't hear me rejecting the call it ringing

2. Avoid being in the house at the same time she is - local Starbucks are a good hideout

3. If I do come home before her, park down the street and lock myself in my room without making a peep - she won't even know I'm here! (trust me, this works)

4. When she's calling my name in the house and I'm not answering, and she finally comes down and opens my door, pretend to be asleep

5. Tell her I'm too busy shaping the minds of young children through lesson planning - most of the time she understands

So if you have a Lumbergh in your life, there are easy steps to take to avoid any and all contact. The number one rule is you've got to be stealthy - I would recommend taking pointers from kittens. #workedforme

Peace & Love,

Candace