Love & Libra

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What is it good for?
...absolutely nothing?

Today I was talking to a fellow co-worker about personalities and astrology and how they inform relationships between people. Astrology has always been something that has been interesting to me but I haven't put much stock into it. Not necessarily because I believe it's a hoax, but mostly because like many other personality indicators, person to person variability is so great that you can't rely on the stars to determine your life. But, yesterday I delved in a bit because I was curious about the relationships between two suns.

I came across this article describing the "Libra Woman":

Now, bear with me here, as I am very aware that any personality indicator can be tailored to what or how you believe you are because confirmation bias, duh. But let's not be over analytical for once (that's a harder thing for me than you might realize) and just look at the content and see how it correlates with my current life, especially in relation to love.

What's it like dating a Libra woman?

Libra women often take relationships very seriously. Given a choice they really don't like to be single for long. This together with her obsession with fairness, desire for compromise, and distaste for conflict can make Libra women stay in unhappy relationships long after others might have thrown in the towel.

This hit me hard.

Over the last 2 years of living in Portland, I have explored a different side of myself: a Libra in love. I've been in love, I've been in lust, I've been heartbroken, I've been invigorated -- the list goes on. I realized over this time that I love love. I love being in love, I love looking for love, and even though love creates heartbreak, I can't get enough of it. At some points, it has felt as if I was living in a constant cycle of heart-brokenness due to the many loves entering and exiting my life in short periods of time. I'm just a 20-something year old trying to have it all, as my best friend Darin always says. 

"Libra women stay in unhappy relationships long after others might have thrown in the towel."

I have reflected a lot about this very concept, as I am sometimes wondering why I don't throw in the towel when a relationship clearly isn't working. When I first moved here, I was stuck in a toxic relationship with a person who not only wasn't good for me, but we weren't good for each other. I spent a lot of my time and energy trying to find compromises that I was blinded by the fact that it just wasn't working. I can't tell you how many times I kept myself up at night recounting the ways I could have saved myself from misery if I had just let up a little on love. However, love is about risk. But when is risk too much? When does risk lose its admirability and become foolishness?

I don't have the answers. In fact, I don't think I ever will. What I've decided to do instead is to give myself grace and know my limits. Know when to identify my unhappiness and be ready to commit to eradicating it the first moment possible. It's something I'm still working on, but I'm making progress.

Libra in Love

Searching for a Creative Outlet: Blogging?

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Blacktina is coming back to blogging.

I'm trying to find a creative outlet for the many frustrations I feel day to day. Here's a short list of the things I am constantly thinking about and have opinions on:

  • Being blacktina in a city like Portland
  • Being passionate about education and feeling like I am such a small voice and I can't make change
  • Love. Love is pain. 
  • How challenging it can be to date white men
  • What it's like to date in the digital age, and dating while brown
  • Microaggressions and their impact on society
  • My future as an educator -- do I really desire to be an upper admin? Is that where the change happens? 
  • I want a fulfilling career but I also want a family, why does it feel like I have to choose one?
  • Multiracial identity problems 
  • Women and the double standards surrounding desiring sex
  • Being a cat lady
  • How crippling student loan debt is holding Americans prisoner
...aahhhh the list just goes on! So, I'm going to explore some of these topics in the coming weeks. I can't promise that the words will make very much sense, and I can't promise they'll be credible in an academic sense. Sometimes you just need to pour your heart out, and it might not seem rational but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel real. Let's see how this goes. 

I'm going to update my profile to reflect the new part of my life that I'm in. Quarter life crisis blogging: COMMENCE! 


THE Ring Finger

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Today while walking through Warren Hall I came across the famous Balfour ladies who sell your JMU class ring after the Ring Premiere. They usually sit in Warren for two weeks after the big premiere. When I was a sophomore back in 2008 I was on the ring premiere committee so I have treasured my experience and my ring. 

This was a great opportunity to ask about my lifetime guarantee on my ring and how I really need to get it re-sized  We chat for a minute and then she asks me to give her my finger so she could measure the size. I hand over my hand and she looks at me surprised. 
Our conversation goes like this

Balfour Lady #1: "you want your ring to go on your LEFT hand?" 
Me: "yeah, why does that matter?"
Balfour Lady #1: "well, your left hand is meant for your wedding ring..."
Me: "[being laughing a little too loudly] Oh gosh, I don't care about that, like at all."
Balfour Lady #1: "but you should! What about when you get married!"
Me: "Uh yah, that's never happening."
Balfour Lady #2: "you never know!"
Me: "[under my breath] uhh, yah I do."

Then we all proceed to awkwardly giggle and try not to make eye contact. Oh no, here comes the horribly anti-traditional blacktina, just ruining little old ladies' days! That's what I do best, y'all. To make it more interesting, two of my sisters happened to be sitting behind the Balfour table and were overhearing my horribly awkward conversation. 

So here's where I am after this conversation:
1. The left hand is your wedding ring finger hand? I honestly had no clue. 
2. Before you "get married," are you supposed to just completely neglect your left ring finger from any rings? Why does it matter if the finger is preoccupied if I'm not committed? 
3. .........who cares though? Apparently many people. 

I've kind of made this obvious in the past, but in case you didn't know, I am not exactly a traditional girl. I don't believe a man I'm dating needs to buy my food every single time we get dinner. I don't believe in time frames of when you should be married. I don't believe in "traditional marriage" by any means, like only men and women can marry for example - yeah, not for me. I do have a lot of friends who are more traditional about certain things like the men pay for dinner and the men ask for a lady's hand in marriage, and only men and women can marry idealism, etc. but everyone's entitled to their opinions just like I am entitled to mine. I guess I was just really surprised at how surprised those ladies were. 

This brings me to the real reason this incident has me thinking: why is it that I'm so against marriage? It's possible that growing up watching failed marriages over and over again has completely tainted my image of what it looks like. Plus I think that I have trouble finding ways to support my feminist ideologies and think about being married. I know that "feminists can get married" but I feel like it's much more than being a feminist not wanting to settle down. It's more like I want my independence and I want the freedom to make my own choices. I want to raise adopted children on my own. I realize I am 24 years old and the world is my oyster, but I am just completely turned off by the thought of marriage. Not to mention, I don't feel comfortable getting married in our current time where not everyone is afforded that same luxury, so for the sake of being a gay rights advocate I don't feel right using my privilege. I'm just in a phase of my life right now where all of those things really do mean so much to me, and I recognize that part of this is just being young and in grad school and "hip" if you will, but I don't think it's a phase that will necessarily go away. I'm pretty committed to this idea and this movement and the inspiration of women around me to make my choices. Marriage just sounds like a horrible idea but maybe I'll find someone who will help me think differently. 

I know that negative self talk is absolutely a deterrent to future actions, but I also feel like I am doing it on purpose to guarantee that I never get married. The self talk that has convinced me to believe that marriage is not for me is like confirming that it won't ever happen for me, so it's like I don't have to worry about it! I know I am just a walking defense mechanism, but ain't nobody got time for all that money on therapy! Anyway, I don't want to really convince myself that I am not good enough to be married or that if I become married I'll become soft and lose all my values, but hey, I'm 24, that's my excuse for now. 

So the update is no, I'm not in the market, I'm unavailable, I'm off the shelf, I am focusing on bigger and better things right now. One day that might change, and little old ladies won't be so terrified by my feminism, but for now, take a big wiff of it, it's not going anywhere. 

Peace ,